We’re kicking off this CrossFit workout series with a bang. No fluff. No beginner fluff. Just the nastiest, soul-sucking workouts this world of chalk and chaos has to offer.
These are the kinds of workouts that don’t just hurt your body, they mess with your head. The kind that make even the die-hards question their life choices. If workouts had warning labels, these would be printed in bold red ink.
First up: Kalsu.
This one’s a legend. Heavy barbell. Burpees on the minute. It doesn’t take long before the wheels start to fall off. And that’s exactly why we’re starting here.
Kalsu:
Every minute on the minute do 5 burpees then fill the remaining time with 135/85 pound thrusters. Goal is to hit 100 total thrusters for time.
This workout is actually a CrossFit Football WOD that is done in honor of Robert James Kalsu who played for the Buffalo Bills in the NFL in 1968. He then left the team to fulfill his ROTC obligation with the Army. He went on to serve his country in the war in Vietnam and was killed in action.
Initial Thoughts:
This one’s just nasty.
You’re taking two of the most miserable movements in the game, thrusters and burpees, and smashing them together into one nonstop punishment. Heavy thrusters at 135 pounds aren’t exactly friendly, either. Add five burpees every minute on the minute and you’ve officially entered the pain cave.
There’s no clean part of this workout. No pacing trick. No section where you can catch your breath and feel good about life. It’s just constant suck.
Honestly, I’m more worried about my lungs than my legs on this one. The weight’s tough, sure, but it’s the gas tank that’s gonna be the real test. If my cardio isn’t dialed in, I’ll be cooked before the halfway point.
We’ll see what happens. But I’m bracing for a full-blown sufferfest.
The Game plan:
Since I’d never taken a crack at Kalsu before, and because I’d heard it’s one of those workouts that breaks people, I figured I needed a game plan going in.
From what I could tell, you’ve got two real ways to approach it.
Option one: go full savage right out of the gate. Hammer out as many thrusters as possible while you’re still fresh, then just hang on for dear life once the burpees start chewing you up.
Option two: pace it. Something like 6 thrusters per minute, maybe 5. Stick to a number, try not to fall apart, and hope you’ve got enough gas left in the tank to close strong.
Now, my ego wanted option one. Of course it did. But this was my first go at Kalsu, and let’s be honest, I’d look like a clown if I couldn’t finish the thing and had to explain that in an article. So I went with option two. Smarter play. Still miserable.
I went with Method 2, five thrusters every minute for as long as I could hold on. Seemed like the smart play at first. And to be fair, it was the right approach… until about minute three, when reality slapped me in the face.
Five reps per minute? Yeah, that dream died fast. I was down to four reps by the fourth round, and three not long after. Honestly, I thought leg fatigue would be the limiting factor, but nope, it was the damn cardio. The burpees come at you fast and never let up. Zero time to breathe, zero time to think, just nonstop misery.
By the 15-minute mark, I was hanging on by a thread. I wasn’t even doing a workout at that point, I was just trying not to die between burpees. So I dropped those down to three per minute just to stay in the fight. That bought me a little time, but not much relief.
Twenty-five minutes in, I was completely smoked. Maybe 60 thrusters deep, nowhere near the finish. So I scaled burpees again, down to two per minute, and locked in for the long haul. It was ugly. Every round felt like a slow grind through quicksand.
The hardest part? That middle stretch. Reps 25 through 75 are just brutal. You’re too tired to feel strong, but too far from the end to feel hopeful. I thought about quitting probably 40 times. No exaggeration.
The beginning feels fine, you’re fresh, optimistic, dumb. The end is manageable because you know it’s almost over. But that middle? That’s where the demons live.
This workout is a straight-up mental battle. Physically brutal, sure, but it’s your head that wants to tap out first. If you manage to Rx this thing, I tip my hat. You’re a beast. Most CrossFitters won’t.
Pro tip: do this later in the day. I did it mid-morning and was wrecked for the rest of the day. Still felt cooked the next morning too. Definitely plan for a rest day after.
My garbage time was 45:45 with reduced burpees. That’s all I had.
If you’re gonna scale, no shame in that. Drop the weight to 95 for guys, 65 for women. Burpees too, cut ‘em if you have to. Just finishing this thing puts you in rare company.
Ryan Douglas
*Consult a physician before attempting this or any other exercise program
